The other day I was walking down the street with my mom and I looked at her and noticed how she was struggling to keep up with me… I realized I’ll be very lucky if I still have her and my dad around for 20 more years. It was a very scary thought, mostly because 10 years ago often feels like just yesterday.
It all felt so quick. This whole life experience. It’s too quick and I am not ready to let go of people. I want my parents to be around and watch my daughters graduate. I wanna share everything with them. I can’t imagine not being able to do that.
It doesn’t matter what I want, though.
That thought has actually been echoing on the back of my head ever since I was a child. There will come a day that will be the last. Inevitably.
Somewhere along the way I flipped a switch on my brain and what happens is, whenever we are too happy I automatically think “Oh, shit. Is this the last day?” . You know, kind of when you are watching a movie and the characters are having a great time in slow motion with a fading song on the background… you just KNOW that is their last happy memory and that the next scene is at a funeral.
Maybe I have watched too many movies.
So, this morning when I opened facebook and learned that my sort-of-uncle had died I thought of his daughters, who are my age. And I got scared again. Scared, sad, confused, lonely. I felt like I needed God. Because if I believe in God, things won’t feel so quick anymore. God is an invisible solution to all the ghosts in my head. There is nothing to fear anymore… what would we be afraid of if we weren’t afraid of death?
Dear God, I hope you are not a marketing strategy created to get followers on social media. I really, really hope you are real.
I just missed writing.
I guess I miss writing because I miss talking to people.
I have become one of those ladies that you run away from at the supermarket. I am begging for a conversation. But not just any conversation… I miss talking to people I find interesting and people who make me laugh. You know… people who know who Jordan Catalano is.
Ironically enough, I thought about leaving facebook today because, even though I live on the other side of the world and have no friends around, sometimes, some of the people I left behind STILL manage to exhaust my patience with their posts about the shit they believe in and that I just… don’t.
I miss people because right now there are only 10 people in my life. But I still wish there were like 20… tops!
Nothing complicated about that.
And this is what I doodled today… it’s not related at all to how I was feeling. Or is it? I don’t know…
Even though I am and always have been panicking for all sorts of reasons, I am still conscious enough to realize my reasons are small.
There’s a saying in Portuguese that says God will only give you as much as you can take. If there is in fact a God up there, I’m happy He realizes I can handle next to nothing and that’s fine by me.
Today, I came home with chest pains.
I called my cousin during lunch and she told me that not only her 14 days old baby probably had a syndrome , it’s possible that he’ll need brain surgery.
She was desperate. She hasn’t slept ever since he was born. She is afraid of looking away. There’s absolutely nothing she can do to help her child and that killed me.
I pray to this God I believe from time to time that things always work out for me. I am not strong at all. I’m afraid of birds. Tiny birds. That’s how much I can’t handle problems. I am just not prepared for this world.
Our kids are a handful. I sleep with one eye open. I haven’t felt rested in about 3 years. I am exhausted and I miss tons of things.that can only mean one thing: We are the lucky ones.