Some of you are able to answer that question with one word. Clowns, thunderstorms, ghosts…
It is a bit more complex to me.
If I had to answer that question with one word, I’d have to say: “Everything“.
I’m afraid of all things, real or not. But, most of all, I am afraid of the possibility.
There’s a possibility something terrible will happen today. Anything. It could be the day I find out me, my husband or my girls are terribly sick. It could be the day they get hit by a car. Today could be the day that meteor finally hits our house, out of all houses in the world.
Sure, the possibilities are small. Until you google them, and those “rare” facts start looking pretty damn popular…
And so it starts. The trigger has been pulled.
If you think about the possibilities, the only choice you’ll have is to go crazy. Trust me.
But that bullet it’s going pretty fast towards the target, at this point.
In real life it means you got so scared you started acting like all that shit you are afraid of is not a possibility anymore. It’s actually happening. You see signs and symptoms everywhere.
How does it feel like? Torture.
Your breaths are short, you can’t eat, nothing is fun or funny anymore… after all, this IS your last day with your loved ones.
As apocalypse settles inside your chest, you still need to function. You still need to go to work, take care of your kids, be there for your husband and answer to your mom’s 37 calls. “Are you ok?” . “Are you ok?”. “Are you ok NOW?”
I have to admit that sometimes I’m actually slightly distracted, until I get a text from her saying “don’t worry”. So, I actually REMEMBER I’m supposed to worry.
So, how exactly do I handle this?
Well, sometimes the fear is so great, it’s exhausting so I just go: “fuck it, if something terrible happens, I’ll just fix it, it’s not going to kill me TODAY, so TODAY I’ll just watch a fucking comedy movie and enjoy my evening.” – That is a lovely way of handling things and I profoundly thank Seth Rogen and James Franco for being so high all the time (maybe only Rogen?) and creating all these movies whose soul purpose are to get me through this.
After I watch my movie and calm down a little bit, I start trying to put my finger on what caused the crisis. See… in order for the trigger to be pulled, there must be a stressful situation going on, whether you’ve noticed it or not.
Once I figure out what that was (sometimes it’s not clear, sometimes it’s RIGHT THERE) I find a solution for that. Once the solution is found, whenever I think about the possibility again I just figure, “ok, THAT is highly unlikely”.
And I breath again.
All the way until my next crisis.
*Important ps: Finding a solution may involve hours of google search and up to 3 visits to the doctor, it’s not a 5 minute thing… but I’ll get there!