I can take next to nothing.

Even though I am and always have been panicking for all sorts of reasons, I am still conscious enough to realize my reasons are small.

There’s a saying in Portuguese that says God will only give you as much as you can take. If there is in fact a God up there, I’m happy He realizes I can handle next to nothing and that’s fine by me.

Today, I came home with chest pains.

I called my cousin during lunch and she told me that not only her 14 days old baby probably had a syndrome , it’s possible that he’ll need brain surgery.

She was desperate. She hasn’t slept ever since he was born. She is afraid of looking away. There’s absolutely nothing she can do to help her child and that killed me.

I pray to this God I believe from time to time that things always work out for me. I am not strong at all. I’m afraid of birds. Tiny birds. That’s how much I can’t handle problems. I am just not prepared for this world.

Our kids are a handful. I sleep with one eye open. I haven’t felt rested in about 3 years. I am exhausted and I miss tons of things.that can only mean one thing: We are the lucky ones.

A thank you letter to the 3 boys I never met.

When I was 16 years old,  I had a small collection of Hanson singles. One day, I came home from school and they were all broken.

It had been my mom.

She was desperate to see the daughter that she, for some reason considered to be brilliant, going down that wrong road. “Where are you going with this?” she’d say to me.

See, I was not allowed to listen to music. ‘Cause music was for people in love and I was not supposed to fall in love, I should focus on studying. So these kids came along, and she thought their music could only be about ya know… kid stuff. Therefore, I could listen to it.

But as she saw how much time I’d spend in front of the computer because of them, she didn’t approve it so much anymore. Heck, she didn’t approve it at all.

Still, I insisted on listening to them. I built a Hanson website, I learned English and I became an architect under their influence.

Later, I came to Canada, because I could speak the English I had learned from their songs, I got a decent job mostly because of the stuff I learned while keeping my Hanson website up and, 2 days ago, I finally, for the first time, was at the first row of a Hanson concert.

And just ’cause the world goes round (and I had no place to “leave her”) … my mom was standing right next to me on that front row.

She was proud of the person I had become because of the 3 boys I never met and I wanted to thank them so much! I wanted them to know that they’ve made everything possible but it’d probably sound so random and empty if I ever did. So, I came here (and it doesn’t look like it, but I really DID keep this short)

I guess we all have our Hanson stories…

I find mine pretty ironic.

Thanks for Everything, Isaac, Taylor & Zac. I can honestly say you made me who I am today.


 

A year in the life

A lot’s happened last year. Not to me, though. Still, I sat here and observed as my friend’s lives collapsed.

I panicked.

It took me a long time to realize we were ok, because the things I watched happening around me made me terrified of life. It was like a big fire and I could not predict the wind… I couldn’t tell whether the flames would hit my lands or not.

I wanted to protect me and my family and I didn’t know where to start.

I didn’t know what had killed Stella in a week. I didn’t know why my cousin’s baby had been born with microcephaly … I didn’t know why my friend’s baby had cancer.

I researched and researched.

I was so scared of not finding any answers. So afraid of that fire.

Amongst all things that involved science, religion and the unpredictable there was always one common denominator: happiness.

Is that the gratitude thing everyone talks about? – I wondered.

And so, the year went by.

Stella came to me in a dream, which brought peace to my heart.

My cousin is pregnant again and her little boy just turned one. He is responding fine to treatment.

My friend’s baby is cured.

So, last weekend, I set on the floor, watched cartoons with my girls and gave up the medicine I had been taking for 10 days.

I realized I didn’t have an unbalanced brain that could be fixed by a pill. I actually had been through a lot last year and I needed the time to process all that. In fact, I would probably need a pill if those things HADN’T affected me!

But most of all, I realized we were fine. Not threaten by life. Just fine. And, as I walked to the parking lot to grab something from the car, I took a deep breath. At that moment I was transported right back to a day at the beach when I was 12…

No worries, just happiness. Because we are all allowed.