Life

The other day I was walking down the street with my mom and I looked at her and noticed how she was struggling to keep up with me… I realized I’ll be very lucky if I still have her and my dad around for 20 more years. It was a very scary thought, mostly because 10 years ago often feels like just yesterday.

It all felt so quick. This whole life experience. It’s too quick and I am not ready to let go of people. I want my parents to be around and watch my daughters graduate. I wanna share everything with them. I can’t imagine not being able to do that.

It doesn’t matter what I want, though.

That thought has actually been echoing on the back of my head ever since I was a child. There will come a day that will be the last. Inevitably.

Somewhere along the way I flipped a switch on my brain and what happens is, whenever we are too happy I automatically think “Oh, shit. Is this the last day?” . You know, kind of when you are watching a movie and the characters are having a great time in slow motion with a fading song on the background… you just KNOW that is their last happy memory and that the next scene is at a funeral.

Maybe I have watched too many movies.

So, this morning when I opened facebook and learned that my sort-of-uncle had died I thought of his daughters, who are my age. And I got scared again. Scared, sad, confused, lonely. I felt like I needed God. Because if I believe in God, things won’t feel so quick anymore. God is an invisible solution to all the ghosts in my head. There is nothing to fear anymore… what would we be afraid of if we weren’t afraid of death?  

Dear God, I hope you are not a marketing strategy created to get followers on social media. I really, really hope you are real.

 

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Many years from now

Sometimes I wanna fast forward life.

It’s not that I don’t wanna enjoy those precious moments yet to come. Their first day of school, putting up the Christmas tree every year, riding our bikes together as a family, while we are still young enough to do it, or the fact that we still have a long way to go before my babies move out  of our house.

The reason why, sometimes, I wanna be in my 70’s is because, by then, I’ll have a different kind of peace.

When I’m 70, my girls will be 40. I know they’ll no longer depend on me. I will not worry about my girls growing up without a mother every-fucking-time there’s a disease outbreak of some sort.

When I’m 70, I’ll know that we’ve made it. I’ll know that we’ve had the most amazing, incredible life and that every single time I felt threatened that someone or something could’ve teared us apart, it was just a false alarm.

I might be able to sleep when I’m 70.

And, yes, I’ll worry about my 40 year old babies just as much as I do now and I’ll be sad at the thought of leaving them… but hopefully I’ll be mostly grateful and I won’t be afraid.

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