Life

The other day I was walking down the street with my mom and I looked at her and noticed how she was struggling to keep up with me… I realized I’ll be very lucky if I still have her and my dad around for 20 more years. It was a very scary thought, mostly because 10 years ago often feels like just yesterday.

It all felt so quick. This whole life experience. It’s too quick and I am not ready to let go of people. I want my parents to be around and watch my daughters graduate. I wanna share everything with them. I can’t imagine not being able to do that.

It doesn’t matter what I want, though.

That thought has actually been echoing on the back of my head ever since I was a child. There will come a day that will be the last. Inevitably.

Somewhere along the way I flipped a switch on my brain and what happens is, whenever we are too happy I automatically think “Oh, shit. Is this the last day?” . You know, kind of when you are watching a movie and the characters are having a great time in slow motion with a fading song on the background… you just KNOW that is their last happy memory and that the next scene is at a funeral.

Maybe I have watched too many movies.

So, this morning when I opened facebook and learned that my sort-of-uncle had died I thought of his daughters, who are my age. And I got scared again. Scared, sad, confused, lonely. I felt like I needed God. Because if I believe in God, things won’t feel so quick anymore. God is an invisible solution to all the ghosts in my head. There is nothing to fear anymore… what would we be afraid of if we weren’t afraid of death?  

Dear God, I hope you are not a marketing strategy created to get followers on social media. I really, really hope you are real.

 

I can take next to nothing.

Even though I am and always have been panicking for all sorts of reasons, I am still conscious enough to realize my reasons are small.

There’s a saying in Portuguese that says God will only give you as much as you can take. If there is in fact a God up there, I’m happy He realizes I can handle next to nothing and that’s fine by me.

Today, I came home with chest pains.

I called my cousin during lunch and she told me that not only her 14 days old baby probably had a syndrome , it’s possible that he’ll need brain surgery.

She was desperate. She hasn’t slept ever since he was born. She is afraid of looking away. There’s absolutely nothing she can do to help her child and that killed me.

I pray to this God I believe from time to time that things always work out for me. I am not strong at all. I’m afraid of birds. Tiny birds. That’s how much I can’t handle problems. I am just not prepared for this world.

Our kids are a handful. I sleep with one eye open. I haven’t felt rested in about 3 years. I am exhausted and I miss tons of things.that can only mean one thing: We are the lucky ones.

Terrorism

As mothers, all we wanna do is to cuddle with our babies.

When a mother is born, a great fear is born with her. We are afraid of losing our babies and we are also afraid that our babies might lose us way too soon, before they are ready, before they understand what death is.

Death is a big part of the world right now. Therefore, I find myself scared of sending them to school, to concerts, or even to the playground.

Still, this paralyzing fear cannot make me wonder if I should in fact have had children. Nothing could ever change my mind. I was born to be their mom. I knew I’d be afraid. I have always been afraid of everything.

I am a runner who ran away from a place she considered not to be safe for her children. Yet, as I listen to the benefit concert Ariana Grande did for the victims of the attack in Manchester I can’t help but think to myself “is there a safe place”?  If there is, can we call just go there?

I know all of us moms would love to be there. This world is not meant for a mother’s heart.

How does a mother who can’t protect her baby in her arms feel? How does a mother who can’t feed her children feel? How does a mother with a sick child feel?

What the fuck is wrong with this world? Actually, what the fuck is right?

People have “unfriend” me on facebook when I moved to Canada. Out of jealousy, maybe. Not the terrorists, the good people. The people who are supposed to “fight” evil.

This is something I’ve learned from my husband and my amazing best friend. I’ve learned to be tolerant, to give people a chance, to just fucking let them be happy – no matter how stupid their accomplishments might seem to you.

But these people can’t do that.

Unhappy people are unable to just let others be. They want everything to be more miserable than they are. That way, they won’t feel like the most miserable people on Earth.

Some people will just envy you, unfriend you from the stupid facebook. Some people will attack our babies and make every mother’s worst fears come to life.

“Terror”  is, in fact, a good word to describe it, no wonder they use it.

Right now, I am terrified of life and I don’t know where to run.

I’ve watched the interviews where they asked the children at the Manchester benefit concert “why did you come back?” and they said “because you can’t live in fear. you have to live your life”.

They are right. I have lived in fear for months longer than I can count. Every day I waste worrying about something that is not happening, just afraid of the bad stuff that could happen is a day I did not live.

Fear is a powerful thing.

I hope I can teach my children to not be afraid and to live their lives but for that to happen I guess I should learn how to do that myself.

I wish I knew where to start.